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Monday, April 5, 2010
Sleepless Nights, When things start to change .... Yupp, my title says it all. Was lying on bed but couldn't sleep. So was thinking about how life had been all this years. Gah, don't know how to say in words, feel a bit tongue-tied. Mehh, I'm hungry! Ok, that was random x.x It was this one thing that led me thinking about my life. This thursday is Mbs Band's SYF. So as usual, Cheng and I thought of skipping school that day to help out mbs for the whole day. Just as I wanted to skip school to help, I realised the number of times I've missed school. Up to date in 4 months, I was absent for about 9 times? Imagine if I skipped school this thursday, it will be the 10th time. Plus that day I have chinese tuition at 4.30pm when Mbs Syf starts at 4.15pm. Crap much? I told myself that I cannot skip school anymore. I seriously have a lot to catch up in lesson. Chemistry, Physics, Geog, Ss, Math ... I know studies are important to us, but Mbs is equally important. I've been skipping so many Chinese tuitions. Out of 8 lesson, I think I only went 3 times. I've been missing school and skipping tuitions so many times that I'm no longer interested to study. I wasn't as motivated to study as last time. I would always excel in Math. but now, everything is just in a mess. I'm starting to lose faith in everything. In studies, friendship, him, family. Everything, just everything. Things happened that just change me for what I am now. I don't know what to do. Am I suppose to blame my parent for what they'd done? Am I suppose to blame my friends for the quarrel? Or am I suppose to blame myself for letting all this these obstacles in life affect me so much? I really don't seee a point in studying so hard, in maintaining this friendship and with him, in supporting my dad for that bitch. When I cared for ppl around me so much, what did I get back in the end? I will be the one who's gonna suffer the most. I'm there for them when friendship goes wrong, when family needs someone to be their hope. But who will be there for me when things start to crumble down like now? I don't see that I have something to hold on to, or something/someone to look forward for, to keep me going on in life. When the last glimmer of hope had started to fade off slowly. Yes, I know he's always here for me in my heart though he can't physically. But what I need is assurance from you. That when I'm really down, I can look for you, and embrace in your arms to cry, and tell me that everything will be alright. You don't understand how it feels to have a broken family, to live in a broken home. What more you don't understand is not having your mum by your side and when your dad having girlfriends like he don't even care anything. Living with a dad who don't even think about your feeling. I know you have things that I don't understand about. Just take that I'm selfish and don't understand how you feel. I'm sorry but I'm really breaking down ... All these things are too much for me to handle. |
